I am starting to get genuinely afraid that nothing I do will ever really matter, because I never learned to do a few very basic human things – I never learned to love and be loved, I never learned to make and keep friends, and I never learned what ‘being happy’ means…

I am not evil, I just don’t know how to be nice and how not to be selfish… I can fall in love, but I don’t know how to restrain myself from tearing it to shreds, all the the way to the bone… I cycle so fast between emotions, I go so high and so low that I think what I consider ‘happy’ most people would consider euphoria, so ‘being happy’ is a completely uncalibrated concept… all attempts to fix this predicament have failed miserably over and over again… and I just don’t know what to do. I am not soulless enough to renounce all human kind as irrelevant, but I can’t become functional enough to live like a normal person… and every year it gets a little worse…


thank you Esao Andrews for such relevant visuals.


One thought on “fear and darkness

  1. Лизка, я читаю это всё. Наверное, все через это проходят.
    Для меня лично счастье совсем вот недавно стало- мое внутреннее спокойствие, равновесие и наполненность, когда живешь без вопросов “зачем, почему и за что”. К этому безумно тяжело идти, но в войне с собой всегда выигрываешь ведь.

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